


Stuck In A Moment

by jedinow



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Drugs, Fluff, Gen, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-22
Packaged: 2018-04-27 10:01:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 11,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5044018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedinow/pseuds/jedinow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) is stuck in a time loop. Unfortunately, his flatmate and best friend Phil Lester (AmazingPhil) is not stuck in the loop with him. Dan explores many activities and experiences a wide variety of emotions as he searches for the key to finally breaking the loop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Beginning Of The End

**Author's Note:**

> This work would not have been possible without the constant support and encouragement of my beta, [holdyourcheese](http://holdyourcheese.tumblr.com/) . Artwork by the talented [carlomoony](http://carlomoony.tumblr.com/).

_BANG!_

“Fuck!” Dan was jolted to fully awake by slamming into the glass door to the kitchen. “Again?” he mumbled to himself. “Bloody door. I swear I did this three nights ago. I must be really fucking tired. I don't even remember getting out of bed and walking down the hall. Maybe I was sleepwalking like Phil did that one time.”

Dan pushed the offending door open and poured himself a glass of water. He looked over at the clock and noticed the time.

“3 AM? That's even weirder. I'm pretty sure it was 3 AM the last time I ran into that door. I hope this doesn't become a pattern.”

Dan drank his glass of water then headed back to bed. He crawled under the covers and forgot about the strange coincidence as he drifted off to sleep.  

* * *

Several hours later Dan awoke again, this time after a reasonable length of sleep. He yawned and stretched as he debated whether he should get up or roll over and doze a while longer. He wasn't actually tired, but it felt nice to just lounge in bed. Hey lay there for several minutes before reaching over to his nightstand to check the time on his phone.

“10 AM. I guess that's late enough.” He rolled out of bed and threw on a pair of trackies and a t-shirt before padding down the hall and entering the kitchen in search of something to eat.

“Good morning, Dan,” Phil greeted him, entering the kitchen holding an empty bowl. “I heard you up late last night and didn't want to disturb you this morning but I got too hungry and already had breakfast.”

“That's okay, Phil.” Dan grabbed a clean bowl from the cupboard and began to prepare some cereal for himself. “We don't have to eat breakfast together every morning. And I wasn't up late, just until 2 AM. Which isn't really late at all for me.”

“Oh. But I thought I heard you around 3 AM? At least, I'm pretty sure I heard something and I remember checking my clock and it said three something, not two.” Phil continued the conversation as he stepped around his friend to place his dirty bowl in the dishwasher.

“No, I definitely...” Dan abruptly stopped in the middle of pouring milk onto his cereal when he suddenly remembered his early-morning door incident. “Oh right, I was up at three. I went to bed at two after my video uploaded, then got up at three to get some water. I ran into the stupid kitchen door again, which is probably what woke you up.”

“Ouch.” Phil turned and inspected the door for any face-shaped smudges. “Maybe we should just remove that door.”

Dan hummed in agreement as he returned the milk to the fridge and fetched a spoon from the drawer.

“Wait, you said you uploaded your video?” Phil turned back to face Dan. “I thought you were just going to start that today?” Phil questioned.

Dan turned and looked at Phil quizzically.

“No,” he replied carefully, “I started it on Monday, filmed it on Tuesday, then edited and uploaded it yesterday.”

“But today's Monday.”

“What?” Dan's face paled. “Please tell me you're kidding.”

Phil shook his head. “It's Monday. Yesterday was Sunday and we went out for dinner then went to a film.”

“But, that... no... I mean... I remember Sunday and going out but then I remember Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday afterwards. This doesn't make any sense. I swear when I went to bed last night it was Wednesday night. Or technically early Thursday morning. Now it's Monday again? How does that happen?” Panic and confusion rose as Dan tried to make sense of the situation.

_Was I off by a whole week these last few days? Did I just get my dates wrong? But then why is it Monday instead of Thursday? If I got my weeks wrong I'd still wake up of the day after Wednesday, just on a different date.I/i >_

“Wait, is my new _danisnotonfire_ video still up? I uploaded it last night before I went to bed.” Dan abandoned his cereal on the kitchen counter and rushed past Phil to the dining room, the older boy following more slowly. Dan grabbed his laptop from the couch and navigated to his youtube page.

“It's not here!” He looked up at Phil in bewilderment. “What the bloody fuck is going on! It was right here! I swear I watched it upload and show up on my page last night.”

Phil was confused and worried but much calmer than his friend. “Are you 100% certain it actually uploaded? Sometimes it looks like it worked but it doesn't actually get posted.”

“If that's the case then the original should still be on my hard drive.” Dan quickly opened the folder where he stored all his videos before posting. “There's nothing here. Wait, let me see if the raw footage is still waiting to be edited.” Dan searched through various folders on his computer, trying to locate any sign of his video.

“Nothing!” he exclaimed, panic evident in his voice. He pushed his laptop onto the cushion beside him and rushed off to his bedroom.

Phil followed the sounds of clothes, papers, and other random objects being thrown around. He stepped out of the dining room into the hall and was nearly knocked over as Dan rushed from his bedroom to the office upstairs. Phil climbed the stairs as he listened to more rustling and muttered swearing. He stopped at the entrance to the office.

Dan turned around and looked at Phil.

“It's gone,” he stated flatly.

“Gone, like, completely gone?”

“Gone as in, 'I can't find any trace that I ever filmed a video' gone.”

“Did you check the camera? Maybe... did you forget to transfer the data from the storage card?”

“I checked everywhere, Phil! I checked the camera, I checked all the data storage cards, I checked every folder on my computer, and I checked every place it could have been uploaded by accident. It's like it just vanished into thin air!”

“Okay, Dan, take it easy,” Phil said comfortingly, “I'm sure we can sort this out.”

“But how? It's... it's like it never happened! It's like the entire past three days never happened! What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”  
“Well, firstly, take a few deep breaths and try to calm down. I'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation for this. We'll just have to find it.”

“Like what? Like I'm stuck in a theoretical time loop and have been sent back in time?”

“Maybe, or maybe you just got a little mixed up and only just dreamt that you'd finished the video. You have been working pretty hard lately, and I wouldn't be surprised if your system is a little out of kilter.”

“The fuck this is just 'a little out of kilter.' This is full-on weird and wrong and inexplicable and frankly kinda terrifying.”

Phil moved to place a comforting hand on Dan's shoulder and gently led him back down the stairs to the lounge. “Why don't I make you a cup or tea or coffee or maybe a hot cocoa and we can sit and think this through more logically. If something strange truly is happening to you, I think we can handle it if we work together. We're a team. You're my friend and I'm am here to help you 100%. We've gotten through high school meltdowns and quarter-life crises and full-on existential crises. I think we're pretty well prepared for anything at this point.

As Dan sat down on the sofa he considered Phil's encouraging words. He was still decently freaked out by the day's events, but he didn't have a better plan. Plus he knew that Phil, despite his often awkward and occasionally misguided attempts to help, would fully support him as they worked through this predicament.

As Phil returned with a pair of beverages and sat down beside Dan he tried again to reassure the younger of the pair. “We might not understand exactly what happened, but this is hopefully a temporary temporal glitch and soon everything will go back to the way they're supposed to be. And I'll be with you every step of the way.”

“Thanks,” Dan sniffled as he sipped his hot cocoa. He still was far from convinced that his problems were over, but he felt reassured that at least he would have Phil at his side.


	2. Begin Again

_BANG!_

“Fuck!”

_Oh no, no, please, not again._

* * *

Dan re-awoke several hours later and lazily trundled into the kitchen where he encountered his roommate. “Phil, what day is it?”

“Monday. And good morning to you, too, Dan.”

“What did we do yesterday?”

“Uh, we went out for dinner then to the cinema to catch a film.”

“Do you remember me filming my new video?”

“No. You said were going to start that today.”

Dan scrunched up his eyes, and hung his head as his fears were confirmed. “Phil, I need to tell you something important. This is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m in a time loop.”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you hear me last night when I ran into the kitchen door?”

“Well, I recall waking up and hearing you swearing, so I guess, yes.” 

“Last night wasn’t the first time. This has happened before.”

“I know. You did it for, like, a week straight when we moved in.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Dan growled in frustration. “I mean that today and the next two days have already happened. I ran into the kitchen door at 3 AM on Monday, went through Tuesday and Wednesday but instead of waking up on Thursday morning I woke up walking into the kitchen door at 3 AM on Monday. Then I went through the same cycle again. And now I'm back at the start. Again.”

Phil looked dubious. “Really? Are you sure it wasn't just a particularly vivid dream?”

“It’s not a fucking dream! I swear I'm being serious!” Dan frantically tried to persuade his friend. “I… I think I'm in some kind of time loop.”

“Why... how... um , I don't know what to say.” Phil was stumped. It wasn’t like Dan to make a joke out of something so serious, and Phil didn’t see any way this could be part of an elaborate prank.

“Do you have any ideas of what I should do?” Dan asked, “or how I can make it stop?”

Phil scratched his head and thought deeply. “Hey! We did a BBC show about this. We should go back and see if there were any answers in that.”

“Oh right! And didn’t we make a special hashtag for that? What was it again?”

“Something about being in a time loop, obviously. Um, ‘stuckinatimeloop,’ or ‘whatiddoinatimeloop’...  
“Oh! I remember,” Dan exclaimed, “it was #ifiwasinatimeloop! I’ll go look that up.”

“Great! But don’t get your hopes too high. I feel like there were a lot of suggestions about really crazy things that wouldn’t necessarily be a good idea in real life.”

“Yeah. Like winning the lottery and bathing in gold. Honestly, that doesn’t actually sound very pleasant.”

“We only did it for fun. It’s not like it was meant to be serious,” Phil cautioned. “Why don’t you get on Twitter and look up the hashtag and see what the audience suggested. I’ll start searching google. There must be sites out there dedicated to time loops that have some more useful ideas.”

“Oh, I should see if I can find the actual video of our broadcast, too. I bet _danisnotonfirevyou1_ has a copy.”

“Good idea. And maybe we’ll get lucky and find that there’s a whole community that has developed a formula for exactly what to do if you find yourself in a time loop.”

Dan laughed. “Well, we might not get quite that lucky, but I’m sure we’re not the first people to seriously consider it. Now,” Dan rubbed his hands together eagerly, “let’s get cracking.”

* * *

Three long hours later the boys checked in with each other to discuss their results.

“Well,” Dan began, “we've found a lot of fun, strange, and frankly disturbing suggestions, but no real solution.”

“How about this one: the user states that the only way to get out of a time loop is to find out what you're really meant to be doing.”

“Okay. So what am I meant to be doing?”

“They don’t say. I guess you’ll have to figure it out for yourself. It's different for everyone.”

“Gee, thanks, Phil. That really helps.”

“Maybe we should analyze what you were doing and come up with a list of things you could do differently. Now, what did you do in the days before the first loop started?”

“I made my latest _danisnotonfire video_.”

“Then what?”

“Then nothing. That's the only significant thing I did. I spent Monday figuring out what to say and making a plan of how to film it. Tuesday I did the actual filming. Wednesday I edited everything and filmed a couple little things I’d missed the first time. Then Wednesday night before I went to bed I watched it upload and made sure it went live.”

“And when your loop began it went back to right before you started the whole process?”

“Yeah.”

The boys paused to consider whether or not anything Dan had just mentioned could be construed as significant enough to cause a time loop.

“Do you think this means I shouldn't have made the video?” Dan worried out loud.

“Or maybe you just need to change it a bit.”

“But how do I know what or how much to change?”

“I don't know. I guess you'll just have to try changing something and hope it works.”

“But what if it doesn't? What if i try but I'm still stuck in this loop?” Dan’s voice rose as he considered the possibility that he might have to try a thousand variations to find the right one. “What if there isn’t even a right way to change it? What if I’m stuck…”

“Whoa, slow down, Dan.” Phil tried to stay calm. “Just do the most obvious things first. It might work on your first try. If not, then we'll think of something else to try. I'm sure we'll figure it out eventually.”

“But how long will that take?”

“Listen, Dan,” Phil placed a comforting hand on Dan’s shoulder, “I may not be an expert on time loops, but if we’ve learned anything from our research today it's that it’s useless to worry about it.” Phil patted Dan’s shoulder then withdrew his hand, not wanting to make the situation awkward. “There can be upsides to having endless opportunities to make mistakes without consequence.”

“Or maybe I should use my time for good and study math and science and solve all the world's problems. I did say that pretty explicitly in the radio show.” Dan gave a wry grin at his admission.

“Or win the lottery and buy expensive things and go on crazy adventures.”

“Yeah, but only if I can convince you to come with me. I don't want to do it alone.”

“Of course! It didn't take you long to convince me that you're in a time loop today. After a few more I'm sure you'll know exactly what to say to me to get me on board with whatever you want to do.” Phil looked earnestly at Dan. “We’ve been through a lot together and I’ll continue to be here for you, even if I forget after every loop.”

“I sure hope so Phil.” Dan was touched by Phil’s concern but as always he hesitated to let it show too openly. He released a relieved breath and squared his shoulders. “But first let me get started on redoing my video. Hopefully that will work and I don't even have to worry about what to try next.”

* * *

Three times Dan tried to change his video. He made the first one much more serious, but the loop still restarted. His second attempt was much more lighthearted and humorous, but still ended in a loop reset. On his third attempt he went for almost a completely different topic, something serious but not too deep and with his trademark modesty and mild self-deprecating humour.

But it was all for nought, as every Thursday morning at 3 AM the routine started all over again. And again. And again.


	3. Falling For The First Time

“Didn’t we do a BBC Radio show about this?” Phil asked as he entered Dan's room. “Maybe we should check if there were any good ideas there.”

“This isn’t my first loop, Phil,” Dan replied, turning around in his chair to face Phil. “We already looked into that. There were a lot of funny suggestions, but not really anything practical and certainly no sure-fire way to break a loop.”

“Is it really that bad? I mean, how many loops have you been through anyway?”

“Um, I think this is number five or six, not counting when I experienced the three days originally, like, before the first loop.”

“Okay, that’s quite a lot of days to be doing the same things over and over, but is it really a burden? Isn’t there some upside to having unlimited chances to try whatever you want?”

“Would you be having a grand old time if you had to repeat the same three days again and again and again?” Dan retorted.

“I guess not,” Phil acquiesced.

The pair fell into thoughtful silence until Phil came up with a new idea. “Have you checked if there are any online forums or fan pages about dealing with time loops?”

“Yes,” Dan replied glumly. “But I already checked so many and none of them had any real answers. They certainly didn’t help me get out of the loop, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

“Oh, good point.”

After another long pause Phil piped up with another idea. “What about films or television shows? I’m sure this must be a fairly common problem, especially in sci-fi or fantasy programmes. Have you looked into the causes and solutions in those situations?”

“No, I suppose I haven’t,” Dan conceded. “I mean, I came across references to an episode of Star Trek, and an episode of Gate Trek, or Wormhole, or… well, I forget what it’s called but it was some show about wormholes and travelling through space. But I never did watch any actual episodes. I mean, really, what’s the point? They’re just sci-fi: science fiction, emphasis on the fiction. If real people talking about it in real life can’t find an answer, I seriously doubt any sci-fi show is going to get me out.”

“Well, how about we go watch them anyway. At the very least it might distract you for a couple hours. And if we don’t learn anything useful it’s not like you’ll have wasted any real time.”

“Alright. You find an episode of some series and call me when it’s set up. I’m going to go take a bath and try to relax.” Dan stood up and stretched. “You’d be surprised just how stressful it is being all alone in a time loop.”

“You’re not alone; you’ve got me right here. And based on this morning, I have to assume you’ve got a pretty reliable system to quickly convince me of what’s going on without making me think you’re crazy. I mean, it took you, what, five minutes for you to get me to believe you?”

“Well, I mean, I know I’m not alone and you’re here and I can always get you to believe me, but it’s not the same. Every time the loop resets you reset, too. All the memories we make in the three days are gone. It’s like you have three-day amnesia.”

“I didn’t think of that. That doesn’t sound quite as fun as I imagined.”

“No, it’s not fun at all. And once I got over the initial anxiety and fear and freaking out that comes with finding oneself in a time loop, I started to realize that there are some pretty major drawbacks.”

“Like what?”

“For starters, I didn’t realize how lonely I could get. Like I just said, it’s not the same when you’re the only one in the loop. I mean, when I’m the only one in the loop. We can do stuff together and have a good time but then you lose everything. To you and everyone else in the world, nothing I did for the three days of that loop ever actually happened.” The lump in Dan’s throat grew and tears began to prick the corners of his eyes. “I don’t like to get all emotional and sappy, but I’m honestly getting a little lonely.”

“I’m so sorry Dan,” Phil replied, chagrined that he hadn’t considered just how difficult this might be for his best friend.

“It’s not your fault, Phil. I’m used to it: to being alone and being the only one who remembers.”

“But that’s not fair, Dan. You shouldn’t have to bear this alone. I know I can’t stop my memory from erasing every time the loops resets, but believe me when I say that you are my best friend and I’d do anything in the world to help you and make you happy. Even if that involves you refreshing my memory every new loop.”

Dan turned his face away to hide the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks. “It’s not your fault. You can’t fix this….”

“But I can try. I can do everything in my power -”

“Stop it, Phil!” Dan shouted as he turned back to face his friend. “You can’t fix this! This is my problem and there’s nothing you can do to truly understand how hard this is for me!”

“I… I’m sorry, I just… if there’s anything…”

“No! Enough! Just stop!” The burgeoning tears began to rain down Dan’s face as he reached his emotional limit. “I’m the only one in this fucking loop. It doesn’t matter if I explain it to you all over every time it restarts. You’re not stuck. You’re not trapped in this never-ending spiral of loneliness.” Dan clutched his hands to his head, gripping his hair in exasperation and frustration. “When this started I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening.” Dan dropped his arms to his sides and squared himself so he was face-to-face with Phil. “Now I realize that I am alone. I am alone in this loop. I am alone every Monday morning at 3AM when I slam into the God-damned kitchen door and realize that it’s just starting all over again. Again!” he shouted.

“Dan…”

“Stop! Fucking shut up already! I’ve had enough of your sympathy! I’m the only one stuck in this loop. And I’m the one that has to put up with the torture of being truly alone in the experience.” Dan was ranting and crying and didn’t care if the whole world saw.

Phil was speechless. He didn’t want to further antagonize Dan, and he didn’t know what to say that could be remotely comforting. So he said nothing.

Dan was shaking from the overwhelming emotions. He was being torn apart by the fear, the anxiety, the multitude of unanswerable questions, and most of all the loneliness. No one could relate to his situation. No one knew what it was like. Never in his life had he felt so utterly alone.

Phil didn’t know what to do, either. So he decided to support his friend physically and emotionally as best he could, knowing full well that it may not be enough. He walked over to Dan and pulled him into a strong embrace.

“No! Phil, please!” Dan fought the hug and tried to pull away “you don’t get it…”

“Shh,” Phil murmured softly as he refused to loosen his grip. “It’s okay. You’re okay,” he whispered gently. “Right here, right now, you are safe. I’m right here with you.”

This was enough to break the last brick in Dan’s crumbling wall of stoicism. Tears ran freely down his face, soaking into the cotton shirt covering Phil’s shoulder as he clasped on to his friend.

“Shh. You’re going to be okay. We’ll get you through this.” Phil continued to hold his friend tightly, rubbing small circles into Dan’s back.

Dan wept openly, his sobbing so intense he was gasping for air.

Phil could feel every shaky inhale and the arrhythmic rocking of Dan’s chest. Without releasing his embrace he gently led them together to sit down on the nearby bed.

“I’m right here,” Phil softly spoke into Dan’s ear. “I may not remember everything that happens in your loops, but I promise I will never leave you.”

“P..promise?” Dan asked shakily, taking in a few hitched breaths.

“Promise,” Phil affirmed. “Trust me: I don’t need to know every little detail of your experience. No matter how much or how little I remember, I swear I will be here for you any time, any day, for any reason.”

At this Dan began to sob deeply once more.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re both okay.” Phil wasn’t 100% certain he could keep all his promises if the loops did continue, but he knew that regardless of his memories (or lack thereof) he would always do whatever he could to protect his best friend.

“Hey Dan.”

“What?” Dan sniffled deeply and leaned back so he could see Phil’s eyes as his crying lessened.

“Do you remember the day we first met in person?”

“You mean at the train station?”

“Yeah. And you remember how I was all clingy and practically biting you?”

“How could I forget. I looked like I was covered in hickies by the time you were done.”

“I’ve probably told you this before, but the reason I was climbing all over you was because you had become such a lifeline for me that I didn’t ever want to let you go.”

Dan wiped his face with his sleeve, his crying mostly abated, and searched Phil’s eyes for any trace of falsehood or pretense but found nothing but pure concern.

“You later told me that you felt sort of the same about me,” Phil continued.

“And I do,” Dan replied earnestly. “I have publicly stated that for the first eighteen years of my life I didn’t have a best friend. Then I found you.”

“So keep that in mind, if the loops resets again. Remember that no matter what, you are my best, closest, and most important friend in the entire world and that will never change.”

Dan lowered his gaze and considered what Phil had just revealed. Then he raised his head and looked directly at Phil.

“Do you really mean that?” Dan asked, fairly certain of the answer but needing to know for sure.

“Of course, Dan. We aren’t just friends and flatmates. We are so much more. You mean so much more. We may have initially bonded over our shared love of Muse, but in these past few years we have become as close as two people can be without being married.”

Dan smirked and let out a tiny giggle. “I bet we’re closer than a lot of married couples. Well, except for the part where we sleep together all the time.”

“Obviously,” Phil snorted, “although I know you’ve read at least a few phanfictions that suggest our relationship is way more than our current platonic status.”

“You mean like the ones that describe our supposed sex life in extremely vivid, explicit terms?”

“Well, yeah. But that’s not the point.”

“So you don’t think we’re still lovers, having sex in sleeping bags or dark alleyways or every hotel room we’ve ever stayed in?” Dan asked sarcastically.

“No, not at all,” Phil laughed. “I just mean that you are family, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same. And before you ask, no, I’m not going to recreate any slash fiction pairing us. We’ve moved on.”

“Oh, come on, Phil,” Dan whined. “There’s some really great stories out there. We should appreciate the hard work of all those writers.”

“I understand that people put in time and effort to write stories about us, but it’s not real. The Dan and Phil in those stories are caricatures of us. It’s not actually you and me in any of those situations.”

“I guess so,” Dan conceded. “But I still think it’s fun to read some of the stories and imagine how different our life would be if any of them were remotely realistic.”

“Well, okay, I see your point. But I’m still leaving the room if you try to read the Skin Fic again.”

“What about the Hat Fic?”

“Hell no. Nothing with ‘Fic’ in the title. I still have nightmares about a possessed chair making me go crazy, and I would never do anything so horrible and hellish to you in real life.”

“Well… I’m sure there are other options…”

“No,” Phil declared emphatically. “I refuse to read any more sickening Phanfiction about our twisted, demented and terrifying ordeals. I’ve heard more than enough to scar me for life.”

“Ugh, fine,” Dan sighed. His tears had dried as Phil’s efforts at distracting him had paid off. He wasn’t entirely happy or satisfied and still had no way out of the loop, but at least he no longer felt entirely alone.

“Well, what about the Cherry Fic?” Dan asked, even though he already knew Phil’s answer.

“I can’t hear you,” Phil sang as he stuck his fingers in his ears.

“Maybe we could read the Milk Fic?” Dan suggested cheekily.

“You can read whatever you want, but you are never going to get me to read another fucked up Phanfic. Ever.” Phil continued to cover his ears as he stood up to leave.

“Now, if someone writes something good about us being platonic friends and having a pleasant G-rated adventure with Lion or Pikachu, I might read it. But nothing called “The ‘blank’ Fic.” Phil continued his rant as he left the room. “Nothing gross or involving any form of torture or mind control.”

“Are you sure?” Dan jested. “I just found a really popular story with a much more innocuous title.”

“Well,” Phil hesitated, “I’m still strongly against any Phanfic you choose. What’s it called?”

“The Lung Fic.”

“No.”

“The Sharpie F...”

“No.”

“How about….”

“Nope.”

“Would you at least consider th…”

“No. No. A thousand times no.”

Phil paused just before he left the room. “Dan, you may be my BFF and I stand by my commitment to help you whenever and wherever and with whatever you need, but this is where I draw the line.”

“Well, what about a Neko fic?” Dan said in his most petulant, pleading voice.

“A what?”

“Basically, one of us is a cat.”

“A cat,” Phil replied in disbelief.

“Yeah.”

“That’s it? We’re cats?”

“Well I think it’s usually it’s only one of us that’s the neko. The other person is normal.”

“I’m sorry, Dan, but I don’t like the idea of being a cat or owning you as a pet cat.”

“But the neko doesn’t have to be a pet. It’s usually more of a companion.”

“A companion how?”

“Like, they have an intimate relationship, like having a boyfriend or a girlfriend.”

“Including sex?”

“Of course! After all, 90% of Phanfiction is just about us hooking up.”

Phil rolled his eyes. “Dan, you have one sick and twisted sense of humour. I am never reading a neko fic about us doing the nasty.”

“It’s probably nicer than looking at Minion yaoi,” Dan teased.

“Minion yaoi?”

“Basically Minions with sexual...”

“Fuck, Dan, for the last time, no! I am not reading any gross Phanfics about us as humans or cats or dogs and I am never watching Minion porn!”

“Not even just a little?”

“No! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash out my brain and douse myself with Holy water.”


	4. Time Without Consequence

Dan had already watched a few different TV shows and movies about time loops and time travel and was currently spending the early morning (after his regular 3 AM wake up call from the kitchen door) watching a topical episode of Stargate: SG1. 

> Daniel Jackson: “On the other hand, it's kind of an opportunity.”  
>  Jack O'Neill: “How's that?”  
>  Daniel Jackson: “Well think about it, I mean if you knew in advance that everything was going to go back to the way it was, then…”  
>  [ _Teal'c stops writing to listen to the conversation_ ]  
>  Daniel Jackson: “you could do anything. For as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences.”  
>  [ _pause; O'Neill rises from his chair_ ]  
>  Jack O'Neill: “Excuse me.”  
>  [ _O'Neill leaves. Teal'c nods to Jackson and also leaves_ ]

  
As he watched, Dan realized that, just as the characters in the show had freedom without consequence, he too could spend as long as he wanted doing whatever he wanted, without fear of repercussion. As he finished watching the episode Daniel Jackson’s words continued to ring through his mind.

_You could do anything, for as long as you want, without having to worry about consequences._

_Just think,_ Dan considered, _I could spend the whole day ordering takeaway. Hell, I could spend as many days as I want trying every kind of food available. Or baking every Delia Smith recipe. Or playing video games. Or I could watch every episode of every anime series ever created. Or simply doing whatever the fuck I want, and as long as the loop resets. I wouldn’t get fat or out of shape or have to deal with any repercussions. Phil wouldn’t mind, since he would always think it was a new idea. If I timed it right, I could literally stuff my stomach and wake up the next loop feeling fresh as a daisy. Well, as fresh as a daisy that just ran into a glass door. But still, the possibilities are endless!_

“Right,” Dan stated confidently, “today is going to be the best day ever.”

He paused, considering his statement.

“Well, maybe not the _best_ ever, but, today is going to be a fucking pretty decent day. Ever.”

Dan strode down the hall to the kitchen, his plan clear in his head. First on the list, an awesome breakfast featuring pancakes that would make Phil lose his mind.

* * *

After breakfast his mind quickly shifted to the remainder of the day and his plans for what exactly would constitute the “greatest day ever.” Obviously, anime was very high on the list, as was cooking, already accounted for by the awesome pancakes he'd just finished.

“Hey Phil, let's take the day off and just relax. We've been working so hard I really want to take some time to just chill, and I'd really like to spend the day with just the two of us.”

Phil looked up from his plate, now devoid of the pancakes Dan had spent the morning preparing.

“Oh, um, okay.”

Phil frowned as he considered his prior plans for the day.

“I was thinking... I mean... well, I guess I wasn't actually going to do anything so important that I couldn't do it later. I was going to work on some of the more 'business' things we're doing, but I could use a break, too.”

“Great!” Dan eagerly replied. “First, obviously, I prepared this amazing breakfast.”

“'Amazing' Breakfast? Really?” Phil said dryly. “Did you seriously think that pun was original at this point in our lives?”

“No. But that's not the point. What I'm really trying to say is that I have much more prepared for our day together.”

Phil thought about Dan's statement for a moment before replying.

“Okay, I'm in for a day off. But now that we've had breakfast, what exactly did you have in mind?”

“Well, first we'll start with some anime until we're both fully awake. Then I'm really looking forward to an intense gaming battle.”

Again, Phil paused before replying.

“Right, the anime will be a nice choice, but I don't know if I really want to battle you at Halo 3 again. Or whatever you had in mind.”

“Don't worry about that right now,” Dan replied. “Let's just take it one thing at a time. Although I definitely want to order Chinese for dinner. That's happening no matter what, so just deal, okay?”

“Whatever you say, Dan. I'm so full of pancakes that right now you could say we're having cheese for dinner and I wouldn't fight you.”

Little did Phil know, but Dan had already planned out a full day of hopefully wonderfully fun activities; the anime was merely a precursor to frivolity to follow.


	5. Get The Party Started

“Ooo yeah! Take that! Mmmhmm!” Dan crowed as he danced jubilantly around the living room.

“I am the king of Mario Kart!” he shouted. “Phil, Phil, that makes five games in a row that I've beat you. I am invincible!”

“Yeah yeah, whatever,” Phil replied. As Dan had so kindly pointed out, Phil had just lost five consecutive racing battles against his friend.

“I crushed you so hard!” Dan refused to stop celebrating.

“I get it, you're better than me at Mario Kart. I still think it was unfair to play with the 150cc cars. They're just too fast.”

Dan just smirked.

“Why don't we order some pizza and watch an anime?” Phil suggested in an attempt to end Dan's excessive gloating.

“Nah, we just had pizza. Let's get something else.”

“When did we have pizza? I'm pretty sure it's been at least a month since the last time we ordered pizza.”

“Oh, right. Um, I forgot.” Dan's joyous attitude quickly dropped as he realized his pizza memory was from a previous loop. “I just meant that I'm not in the mood for pizza.”

Phil stared at Dan for a moment, unsure if there was something off about his friend, then shrugged it off and made a new suggestion.

“Well, what about Chinese? We definitely haven't ordered that for a long time.”

“That sounds good. But can we get it from the place that uses those little cardboard boxes instead of the styrofoam bowls?”

“Of course.” Phil pulled out his phone to look up the restaurant. “Do you remember the name of it? Crystal Palace?”

“Golden City? I don't know. We don't order takeaway often enough to remember these things. Just google Chinese takeaway.”

Phil quickly found the number and, after a brief debate over what to get, he placed an order.

“Okay. It'll be here in half an hour. What do you want to do while we wait?”

Dan looked up from his browsing position. Phil had only been on the phone for a few minutes, but that was long enough for the other to become absorbed in scrolling through tumblr.

“Wanna play Mario Kart again?”

“Nooo, not again” Phil whined. “You already beat me squarely. Give me a chance. Let's do something else.”

“Oh, come on. You know you like racing. I'll even let you pick a really crappy car for me.”

“Well, maybe. But only if we can do 100cc.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Now let's play!”

The pair settled themselves in front of the TV to resume playing while they waited.

* * *

Their gaming continued until the doorbell rang half an hour later.

“Food's here!” Phil stood up from the couch and went to retrieve their dinner. By the time he returned to the dining room Dan had already collected forks and napkins and was setting up the TV so they could watch some anime.

“Great! I'm starving. Beating you so many times makes me hungry.”

Phil just shook his head. He may have not won many races, but he still had fun.

“One of these days I'm going to get better and beat you. Then let's see how much you're gloating.”

“Sure, Phil. Whatever you say.”

“I'm serious. I'm gonna be up your butt every race until the last second then pass you for the win.”

Dan froze at Phil's words. He turned to face his friend.

“Did you seriously just say that? Oh God,” Dan raised a hand to his temple and turned away, “this is just as bad as recording for the gaming channel.”

Phil blushed, realizing his gaffe.

“I meant, 'I'm gonna be right behind you.' It just came out wrong.”

Dan chuckled and turned back to face his friend again.

“I know, Phil. You're always saying and doing awkward things. But I don't care. I think it just makes you even more attractive.” Dan nonchalantly walked over to the table and began to pile food onto a plate for himself as Phil did the same.

“Wait, what?” Phil paused with a spoonful of ginger beef hovering over his plate. “You find me attractive?”

“Like, as a friend. You know what I mean. Now get your food at let's enjoy the show.”

Phil looked down at the spoon in his hand, which was now dribbling ginger sauce slowly onto his plate. He dumped the contents onto the dish and grabbed his fork. As he sat down he made sure to sit as close to Dan as possible.

“I think you know I'm more than a friend. I think you ship Phan.”

“Shut up, you spork. I don't care what you think.” Dan pressed play. “I've got the best friend in the whole wide world and I'm going to love you until we die.”

Phil stared at him in awe.

“Now shut up and watch the show,” Dan ordered as he shoved a forkful of food into his mouth.

Phil directed his gaze back to the TV and took a bite of food, a little shocked but entirely flattered by the comments.

The pair shifted a little closer on the couch and relaxed into a wonderful evening together.


	6. Cause And Effect

Phil strode into Dan's room with a triumphant look on his face.

“I think I have the answer,” he declared.

“Well, what is it?” Dan demanded.

“Move a little to the left.”

Dan shuffled over on the couch.

“There. Now, what's the answer?”

“That was it.”

Dan stared at Phil with a look that screamed 'are you fucking serious right now?'

“Well, we might not know if it worked until the loop is supposed to reset. Or maybe you're supposed to move to the left specifically at the moment of the reset.”

Dan just blinked in amazement. He often marvelled at the rather odd way Phil's mind seemed to work, but this was simply unbelievable.

“Move to the left. You seriously came all the way in here to tell me to try moving to the left?”

“Technically it says to move 'a little' to the left.” Phil backpedalled as Dan stood up suddenly.

“Wha... I... are you fucking mental?” Dan's voice grew louder as his frustration and annoyance rose. “What's that supposed to do?!”

“B-b-but that's what worked for Captain Kirk in _Star Trek_.” Phil replied nervously. He hadn't intended to upset Dan; he was only trying to help. But now that he had an angry Dan inches from his face he admitted that the idea did sound a bit silly.

“I'm sorry, Dan. I was really just trying to help and I found this group online where they were talking about how to get out of a time loop and it seemed so simple and logical that I didn't think it through. I'm so s-sorry. I-I didn't mean to upset you. Again.” Phil looked down and nervously clamped his hands over his mouth before he could say anything to further upset his friend.

A sigh of exasperation caused Phil to look up. Dan's anger faded as quickly as it had risen and a twitch of a smile replaced his glower.

“Phil, I don't know how you come up with these thoughts, but I can't fault you for being boring. God, how did I not know there was a classic _Star Trek_ episode about this. A time loop is the exact sort of science fiction-y cliche event they'd use.”

Phil pulled his hands away from his face in relief, then squeaked as Dan abruptly hugged him.

“It's okay, Dan,” Phil consoled as he wrapped his arms around Dan. “Even if this idea was stupid I'm sure we'll find something that works.”

“If this doesn't work maybe Captain Janeway has a solution,” Dan quipped as they broke from their embrace, “or Admiral Ackbar.”

“Daaan, you know that's _Star Wars_.”


	7. Endlessly

“I've already tried that, Phil. An ultimate day is supposed to be a one-time event. If you keep repeating it, pretty soon it's not special or exciting or even interesting anymore.”

“Well, couldn't you try doing different activities? I'm sure there are more things you've been wanting to do than you can fit into a single loop.”

“Yeah, but, when you really stop and think about it – and you know how much I just love to think deeply about practically everything – a lot of activities are just fulfilling the same basic desire. Like, I mean,” Dan paused as he tried to make his thoughts into a coherent sentence, “like watching every anime. Yes, every episode is different, and every series is different, but ultimately they're all just cartoon Asian characters in a finite number of slightly varied situations.”

Phil frowned and cocked his head to the side as he tried to comprehend.

“And if you expand to a broader level,” Dan continued, “watching endless films and TV shows, no matter how much I like them, is ultimately just doing the same thing over and over and over. I'm just sitting, watching, consuming audio-visual media. And playing every video game is just pressing the same buttons over and over and over. It sounds like fun at first, but it's really nowhere near as interesting in practice.”

“Oh. I never thought of it like that. Does that mean you don't like _My Neighbor Totoro_ or _Mario Kart_ anymore?”

“It's not that I don't like them, it's just that I'm tired of watching videos and playing games. I need a break. A long, looong break. Which technically shouldn't be a problem since I'm stuck in a fucking time loop with infinite time.” Dan groaned and cradled his head in his hands. Now that he'd actually tried it, the appeal of being able to waste unlimited time watching videos and gaming was rapidly dwindling.

“And don't get me started on tumblr,” Dan continued, “because now that it's the same days repeating over and over, it's the same people posting the same content and it's getting harder and harder to find anything new. Or funny. Or vaguely entertaining.”

“I get that you're tired of watching videos and playing games and stuff, but aren't there so many other things you've always wanted to try that you could do instead? I mean, now that you have endless free time and all.”

Dan shook his head, his eyes still closed behind his hands.

“It's not just about games and videos,” Dan looked back at Phil and wiped his eyes to stop himself from crying, “I've already tried so many others things. This is at least my fifteenth fucking loop. I’ve been looping so long I’ve lost count. I've tried almost everything on my list of 'ultimate day off' and 'bucket list' activities. The only stuff left either requires more time, more money, or more organizing than I can manage in a single loop.”

An unsettled silence fell over the pair. Phil nervously toed the carpet and subconsciously fingered his pocket awkwardly.

Phil's face suddenly lit up and he briskly walked out of the lounge, leaving Dan to stare at his receding figure.

_Great_ , Dan thought, _now I've scared Phil away. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have just sat down and watched TV with him. But nooo, I just had to go and get all deep and whine and complain about poor little me. 'Cause my problems are sooo terrible. I mean, why would anyone be happy that they have the chance to enjoy every fun activity they can imagine?_

Dan was startled out of his thoughts by a yelp from the kitchen.

“Phil?” Dan ran out the door and across the hall. “Are you okay?”

Entering the kitchen, Dan stopped short and his mouth dropped open as he took in the sight. Phil was juggling a bag of flour, his blue shirt now heavily dusted down the front and his black jeans greyed with the powder.

“Stop! You're not supposed to be in here!” Phil cried as he tried not to slip on the snowy tiles.

“What the hell are you doing, you nit?! You're making a mess!”

“Go away! This was supposed to be a surprise,” Phil retorted as he finally regained his balance.

“It's never a surprise to find that you've made a huge mess in the kitchen,” Dan deadpanned.

“I'll clean it up.”

“Sure you will. Just like you clean up the massive trail of sugar you leave all over the counters every time you make coffee.”

“I...”

“And it's so nice of you to just run off when I'm in the middle of trying to tell you something important,” Dan continued. “It's not like I was actually frustrated or being vulnerable because I really needed to just talk to someone who cared. Because clearly all you care about is making my life even more miserable than it already is.”

“But I was doing this for you!”

Phil took a step towards Dan but began to slip on the flour-slicked floor. Dan instinctively reached out and grabbed Phil's arms, inadvertently stepping forward onto his own slippery tile. Their arms grappled as they both tumbled to the floor, their rough landing sending a large puff of flour into the air.

Phil ended up on his back, face-to-face with Dan on top of him. They continued to push and tangle with each other for a moment until Dan suddenly stilled, still half on top of Phil.

“Um, Dan?” Phil froze as he felt Dan stop moving, “is something wrong?”

Dan said nothing as he rolled off Phil and onto his back. He sat up and slid himself over to lean against the nearest cupboard. He pulled his knees to his chest, burying his face in his hands.

Phil sat up and watched as Dan curled into himself.

“Dan?” Phil repeated, softer this time, “please talk to me.”

Dan shook his head but remained silent.

“Hey, it's okay. Just let me help. Please, Dan?”

Phil waited but received no response and decided to simply slide himself up against the cupboard next to his friend. He put his hand on Dan's knee in what he hoped was a comforting manner.

“It's okay, Dan. I'm here for you if you want to talk.” Phil felt Dan begin to shake and heard a plaintive sob escape. He put his arms around Dan and hugged him as best as he could from their huddled position on the floor.

“Hey, shhh, it's alright,” he comforted as Dan began to cry freely.

Dan loosened his position and shifted to hug Phil tightly. His tears stained Phil's shoulder as he released the tension and frustration that had been building all day.

Phil murmured calming sounds and soothingly rubbed Dan's back. He wasn't in the most comfortable position but right now he was only concerned for his friend. After a long couple minutes Dan's crying eased and he pulled back from their embrace.

“Better?” Phil asked.

“Sort of,” Dan replied.

Phil grabbed a kitchen towel from the counter above them and offered it to Dan.

“I think you must have gotten some flour on your face,” Phil stated, “and I think it kind of got wet while you were crying. Now it looks like you were involved in a terrible pancake-making accident.”

Dan just smiled and sniffled as he wiped his face with the towel.

“Now,” Phil patted Dan's knee, “how’s about I get you some chocolate?”

Dan just laughed.

“How about I go take a shower and you clean up the kitchen,” Dan countered as he stood up.

Phil stood up and looked at the mess he'd made. There was flour all over the counter and floor, and both he and Dan were halfway to looking like powdered doughnuts. He smiled and laughed.

“Okay, but after you're done I think I need a shower, too.”

“Phil,” Dan moved to look at Phil seriously, “thank you. I don't know what I would do without you.”

Phil blushed and lowered his head before giving Dan a quick hug.

“Let's not ever find out,” Phil whispered as Dan left the room.


	8. Disenchanted

Eventually, Dan lost count of just how many loops he’d endured. He'd tried everything to break the loop without success. He'd re-made his latest _danisnotonfire_ video. He'd played endless video games, eaten every delicious food he could find, and even ventured outside to find excitement. Then he'd considered that maybe this wasn't about himself. Maybe he was supposed to change his relationship with Phil or with his other friends. But nothing he said or did ended the loop. If he was meant to be more than just friends with Phil, surely sleeping with him would have been enough.

No, he was out of options. There was no way out of the loop. And the longer he stayed in the loop, the less interesting his life became. The novelty of being able to do anything you wanted without repercussions had long since faded. Nothing was new. Nothing was exciting. Nothing was worthwhile.

Tonight, Dan thought, this is it.

Phil had just left to spend some time with friends at Dan's behest. He wouldn't return until much later, giving Dan plenty of time to carry out his plan.

Dan watched Phil exit their apartment then headed towards the kitchen. He pulled open a cupboard and retrieved a nearly-full bottle of Malibu rum he'd hidden at the back earlier. He took a large swig directly from the bottle and winced at the burn.

Next he opened a drawer that contained the cooking knives: a cleaver, a large chef's knife, a serrated bread knife, and some smaller paring knives. Dan eyed his options before selecting the chef's knife. He lightly ran a fingertip across the blade and pulled away as a small strip of blood formed.

_Yes, this will do. Nice and sharp._

Dan picked up the knife and closed the drawer. He picked up the rum and took another large drink. With the bottle in one hand and his weapon in the other he made his way down the stairs to the bathroom. He set the knife on the edge of the sink and locked the door. Staring at himself in the mirror he took another drink. He could already feel the tingle of alcohol reaching his system and knew he would need as much of its numbing as he could get.

* * *

Some time later, Dan sat quietly on the floor with his knees pulled up to his chest. He stretched his arms out in front of himself to watch the bright red liquid as it continued to run down his arms. The sticky trails veered across and around his forearms as he rotated his hands. When any of the cuts slowed to a trickle of deepening maroon he would roughly scrape the area until fresh crimson began to flow briskly once more. He watched and scratched and occasionally made fresh cuts until his arms were fully coated in the velvet warmth, saturated with blood. Blood that should be inside him. Blood that normally ran through his veins, oblivious to his turmoil.

He didn't care about time. He didn't know or care how long he'd been sitting on the floor. All he knew was that the entrancement of watching cuts turn to torrents was finally waning, fading, slowing in synchroneity with the ebbing tide. His stained arms lay heavy and numb at his sides. Exhaling deeply, he let his head fall back against the cold tiled wall. He closed his eyes and felt his breath catch. Too many tears and too much sobbing had drained his eyes but his chest still clenched as he tried to fill his lungs. A few more exchanges of air and he finally succeeded in gathering and releasing a slow, exhausted breath.

He opened his eyes. The scene before him only vaguely shocking to his hazy consciousness. A pool of burgundy spread around him, giving way to a field of speckled merlot that reached nearly across the whole room. Even the lower reaches of the walls bore marks befitting a Jackson Pollock painting. It was blood, but it was poetry. All his pain and torment translated into beauty and art. His soul poured out for all to see. If only they could see through the filters of his mind.

The room began to dim and static filled his ears. He allowed his heavy eyelids to fall shut as he faded away.

* * *

All too soon his reverie was rudely interrupted. Dan heard distant voices, muffled cries. Hands touching, moving, poking and prodding. He felt himself being lifted onto a hard gurney and weightlessly carried. His eyelids were too heavy to open, his mouth and tongue to tired to speak. He felt weak, his mind foggy, as if the all the noise and colour of the world had been dimmed and dulled to a hazy grey.

After a few more bumps and strange muted clicks and snaps Dan began to feel the haze lift ever so slightly. He registered the sensation of being in a moving vehicle. He struggled to open his eyes. The more aware he became, the more he wanted to know what was happening. Finally he cracked his eyelids enough to see blurry lights glaring down at him. Then a worried face appeared: Phil, telling him he would be okay.

Dan shut his eyes and began to cry. He had tried to end himself to end the loop, and thereby end himself. Instead he had endured all the pain for nought.

“You're going to be okay, Dan,” he could barely hear Phil's calm but concerned voice, “I'm right here.”

 _No, Phil,_ he wanted to speak but was still too weak, _I'm not going to be okay. I don't think I'll ever be okay. You saved me tonight but you can't save me from my nightmare._

_BANG!_

“Fuck!”

“Guess I'll have to try something else this loop.”


	9. Another Way Out

Five minutes into the party, Dan took a big swig of his rum and Coke, heavy on the rum, light on the Coke. He felt the alcohol warm a trail down his esophagus into his stomach, spreading heat throughout his abdomen. He smiled wryly, knowing this was the start of a long night, with much more alcohol still on the menu.

Three hours in, Dan was smiling, laughing, telling jokes, and starting to slur his words. He went to take another sip from his cup and found it was empty. Again. He wasn't sure how many times he'd refilled his drink, but since he was still able to form decently coherent sentences, he knew it wasn't enough. So he returned to the bar and poured himself another.

Five hours in, Dan's friends were all leaving. They weren't expecting an all-night party, just a fun evening of socializing and catching up. Dan, on the other hand, was far from ready to call it a night. He'd explored a range of activities as a silly drunk and slipped briefly into sexual predator drunk, but Phil had quickly intervened – what would their friends think!

Five-and-a-half hours in, Dan was alone with his thoughts again. He gotten into a brief argument with Phil after the final guest had left, and Phil had wisely (and more soberly) called an end to the evening and returned to his room and locked the door. Dan took that as his cue to grab the quarter-full bottle of rum from the kitchen and all the pills he could find in the medicine cabinet then retreat to his own room. He sat cross-legged on his bed and proceeded to finish the alcohol.

Six hours in, Dan couldn't feel anything. He brain wouldn't shut the fuck up, but at least the haunting thoughts didn't hurt anymore. He was finally physically and emotionally numbed, if only for a few precious moments.

But his peace was short-lived. All too soon the continued, incessant ruminating of Dan's mind overcame his alcoholic stupor and resumed its torture.

Seven hours in, Phil found Dan in his “existential crisis” position in the hallway. Phil paused but ultimately ignored his flatmate.

Eight hours in, Phil heard a knock on his door. He waited, unsure if he should bother facing Dan, who was presumably still drunk. A few moments later, he heard Dan's door close. Phil decided to put off facing his friend until they were both sober in the morning and went back to bed.

Nine hours in, Phil opened his door to find a note on the floor just outside his room.

  
Phil,  
I'm sorry. I can't do this any longer. If it's past 3 AM then I'm not coming back.  
I always loved you.  
Dan

* * *

_BANG!_

“Fuck!”


	10. This Is How I Disappear

“I'm sorry, Phil. I just can't do this any more. I'm so, so sorry,” Dan whispered his goodbye into the dark night. He knew that Phil couldn't hear him, couldn't see him, couldn't save him. But it was too late anyway.

Dan looked down and felt a wave of fear and dizziness. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second as a few tears leaked out at the corners. He wondered how long it would take, how many seconds would pass from the time he stepped off the edge of the bridge until he hit the dark water far below. He wondered if it would hurt. Would he feel the impact or would he literally fall into oblivion? At least he knew it would work.

He had spent the whole day researching the best way to kill himself. Guns were the most effective, but hard to come by in London. Certain drugs could work very well but the best chemicals were hard to find and the more easily accessible drugs carried a greater chance of failure, as he'd already experienced. He'd had tried grabbing the sharpest knife from the kitchen and locking himself in the bathroom but Phil had returned to the flat early that night. He remembered waking to Phil's worried face hovering over him in the back of an ambulance right before that loop ended.

Hanging would be too slow and painful. Well, slitting his wrists had hurt, too, but in a different way, and at least he'd still been in control. Jumping in front of a fast-moving train had a high probability of being successful, but Dan didn't want to subject the driver to such trauma. And after his failed attempt at bleeding out he was very aware that he didn't want to leave a big mess for some poor soul to clean up.

Which left the simple elegance of allowing gravity to pull his body through the air until it abruptly collided with a suitably dense surface. Well, it was slightly more complex than that – you had to impact your target at a certain minimum speed based on the density of the landing surface or you might end up alive but really wishing you were dead. Thankfully some kind (and disturbed) people in the darker recesses of the internet had already done the math and he just needed to find someplace high enough.

He was high enough now. The water below wasn't as hard as concrete, but as the Mythbusters had proven, if you fall from the right height, water is hard enough to kill. Plus this way he would leave less of a mess. With luck his body would just drift away into the murky depths, gone for good.

“Phil.” Dan took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and stepped into the air with his best friend's name on his lips. Emotions rushed through him: panic, regret, fear, relief.

_Please let this be the end_ , he prayed.

He felt weightless. The cool night air rushed around his outstretched limbs. He was finally free.

* * *

_BANG!_

“Fuck!”

Dan slumped to the floor and began sobbing uncontrollably. He'd failed. He had stepped off the bridge six hours before the loop was supposed to reset. He was sure he had died. And here he was, alive and back at the beginning like a computer game character with unlimited lives. A self-conscious character that was stuck on the same level for the rest of time with no hope of escape.

Dan wept.


	11. The End Of All Things

When Phil got up and exited his bedroom on Wednesday morning he encountered a prone figure on the hallway floor: Dan, in his “existential crisis” position.

“Dan?” Phil asked tentatively, “you okay?”

Dan didn't respond.

“Um, Dan?” Phil probed again.

“Is there anything, um,” Phil paused again, “do you want breakfast?”

Several long seconds ticked by in silence.

“Well, uh, I'm going to make myself some coffee. Let me know, if, maybe, you want, um, some coffee.” Phil was never sure what to say when Dan was having an existential crisis, and this occasion was no different. Finally he stepped into the kitchen and set about preparing his breakfast and coffee.

A few minutes later he heard a tentative voice from the hall.

“Phil?”

Phil moved out of the kitchen to find Dan now tucked against the wall. This was progress, but Phil was still unsure of Dan's mental state.

“Did you want coffee?”

“What?” Dan looked up at Phil. “No, I just... I'm stuck.”

“Oh. Here, I'll help you up.” Phil extended his hand to pull up his friend.

“No, not like that.” Dan made no move to get up. “I mean, I have a problem and I'm stuck. On that. Not here in the hall.”

“Of course.” Phil quickly retracted his hand. “What's the problem?”

Dan proceeded to explain his predicament, using his now-patented explanation that he knew Phil would understand and accept.

“And I've tried everything you could possibly imagine to try and break this stupid loop and nothing's worked. Thus, I'm stuck. I wanted to tell you sooner, but it took two days for me to find the courage to bring it up again. So the loop is going to reset at 3 AM tonight.”

“Wow.” Phil's head was reeling from the sudden dearth of information.

“I know, right? Can't get myself out of a time loop: another 'reason why Dan's a fail',” Dan quipped.

“So, how can I help?”

Dan cast his eyes down and dropped his shoulders.

“That's just it, Phil, like I said, I'm stuck. And unfortunately, I don't think you or anyone else can help.”

“Then why bother telling me at all?”

“Because I'm lonely. The last several loops I didn't bother telling you and I felt so alone and... I dunno, empty. Even if you can't do anything, I... I wanted... I don't even know what I wanted.”

Dan raised his hand and wiped away fresh tears that were forming when he felt Phil slide down the wall and sit next to him.

“Okay then. I'll just stay here with you until you know what you want.”

“Right. 'Cause I'm totally going to figure that out before your coffee gets cold,” Dan replied sarcastically.

“Hey, stop it. If everything you've told me is true, I'm sure I've told you more than once that I care about you more than you could possibly understand.”

“Yeah, and I appreciate that, but...”

“No buts. I would seriously do anything for you.”

“I think we've already tried...”

“Anything,” Phil stressed. “Dan, trust me, there is nothing you can ask me to do that I would say no to. If you want to try getting back together, or...”

“No!” Dan interjected. “We've, um, I should've mentioned that we've kinda tried that already, too. It wasn't bad, it just didn't change anything.”

“Fine, then think of something new. Find a new perspective.”

The pair sat in contemplative silence for a few minutes.

Dan sighed and slid over the wall until his head was resting on Phil's shoulder.

Phil giggled.

“What's so funny?”

“It's just, the way you sighed and the way you're leaning on me, it's like we're at the end of some romantic film. Except as you've stated, we're not actually meant to be together, which is kind of the opposite of a romantic film.”

“I thought you said you'd do anything?”

“I did.”

“So why can't I sigh dramatically and use you as a pillow?”

“Well, you can. Hell, you might as well take me out to a bluff overlooking the sea and we'll have a picnic and watch the sunset and pretend credits are rolling as the camera zooms out, leaving us silhouetted against the gorgeous view.”

Dan thought about it for a moment then sat up straight.

“Maybe we should.”

“Really? I wasn't seriously suggesting we do that.”

“Well, why not? At this point, it's pretty much the only thing we haven't done. Plus if today's the last day of this loop, we might as well make it a good one.”

“That's the spirit. Now, let's go buy some nice food and take the train out to the coast. We'll be there in plenty of time to find a good spot for our picnic.”

* * *

That evening, Dan and Phil sat on a blanket on a small hill overlooking the ocean. They'd picked a vantage point facing west so they could enjoy the full spectacle of the setting sun, which was now fading to deep embers of russet and gold.

Dan sighed and shifted close to rest shoulder-to-shoulder with Phil as the air began to cool.

“This was a great idea, Phil.”

“I'm glad you liked it. And I'm glad we were able to find something that makes you feel better, even if it's only temporary.”

“Mmm hmm. I just wish we could turn this into a real-life happy ending and have this be the magic key that breaks my curse.”

“The sunset?”

“Us. As friends.”

“Then I wish for that, too. You and me, forever.”

“Forever,” Dan repeated. He honestly didn't believe their wish would actually come true, but for one night he was willing to let his heart hope again. After everything he’d tried, nothing had made him nearly as happy and truly content as simply spending the evening with his best friend in the whole entire world.

“I don't know what I did to deserve you, Phil.”

“You didn't have to do anything. Some things are just meant to be.”

Together they watched the sunset fade into darkness. They then lay side by side, cuddled under a warm blanket, watching the stars appear and revelling in a drowsy contentment.

* * *

_THUD!_

“Damn it!!”

Dan woke up with a start.

“Wait, what?” he asked, confused and disoriented. He wasn't in the hallway, and there was no kitchen door. Then he realized he wasn't the source of the noise.

“Sorry, Dan, didn't mean to wake you. Just went for a drink and dropped the bloody thermos on my foot,” Phil replied, standing, holding one foot off the ground in pain.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked as he sat up.

“Yeah, it's not serious, just surprising.”

“Wait, why are you here?”

“Um, don't you remember coming on a picnic with me and watching the sunset before falling asleep under the stars?”

“Yeah, so it must not be morning yet.”

Phil pulled his phone out of his pocket, checked the time, then practically tackled Dan as he rolled them into a tight embrace.

“Dan,” Phil breathed, “It's 3:01.”


End file.
